"The elongated, braided nostril hairs were a sign of tribal standing, displaying to others that this tribesman was of important social status, a respected elder statesmen who must be revered like the hallowed earth itself, so we called him Butt-face..."

While I just made that up it sounds exactly like the sort of writing to be found in a bizarre book called, 'The Secret Museum of Mankind ' - a kind of weird, tribal photography book from back in the day, with degrading written explanations.

Leave it to those early travelling occidentals to be instinctively racist, bigoted and insulting.

We could all learn a lot from them.

If you're worried about the world's economy, losing your job, or that we're on the brink of some Earth destroying environmental catastrophe, then fear not, you're worrying for nothing. Just chill out, have a drink and kick back.

According to this useful website the current status of Spaceship Earth is that it's been destroyed, so effectively that makes us all dead (?). So it's too late to worry and too late to save anything, even your cherished 80s original vinyl Rick Astley 7" singles collection you spent months trawling for on eBay - unlike his song you're going to have to give that up.

But if we're all dead, are we in heaven or hell? The best way to tell is to wait for the outcome of the presidential elections. If court jester McCain gets in then we're definitely in hell, so far in to its darkest bowels we'll be able, if we squint hard, to see a small star-shaped opening...if it's pie-loving Obama then perhaps we're just in the dullard land of purgatory, numbly waiting for another witless dweeb to shepherd us towards yet more disaster...

Either way, we're all doomed! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha